blair witch 2016–a couple friends go camping and run from a weird hairy woman who lives in the woods

wwyd if u camping in tha woods nd the blair witch slaps ya girls ass

Every time I watch the Blair witch I can never hear what the subtitles are talking about during the night scenes but I’m far too scared to turn up the sound.

There’s absolutely nothing in cinema that can be matched to the heart pounding final scene; Heather can barely hold the camera straight in her terror, and Mike is frantically, unthinkingly, searching for the friend he thought was hurt, or dead, when he runs into something the audience can’t see. In her final moments, Heather turns the camera to Mike, and while she’s shrieking, watching him, it gets her too.

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I’ve seen the Blair Witch project, no joke, at least six or seven times at this point, and every time we get to the movie’s climax, I’m peeking at it through my fingers in terror. The last time I watched this scene, I was home alone; I slept with the lights on. Granted, I may be coming from a different angle because this film has all the things I find scary and unsettling, and that’s probably why I think it’s still terrifying all these years later; I find the forest too big and not easy to navigate. I have a weird phobia of being lost. And my favorite kind of horror movie antagonists are the ones that cannot be categorized so easily.

The Subtle horror of the Blair Witch Project

There’s terror in the unknown, and it’s what helps the Blair Witch hold up twenty years later. Every account we get on the witch seems to contradict itself; she’s old. A hairy woman. A moving cloud of mist. She’s not the Blair witch at all, but Rustin Parr, the other child-killing phantom of Blair.

When the crew encounter paranormal activity, such as the sounds of children running and shrieking around them  and the weird totem statues at their feet, even then the Witch is never revealed to the camera.

That’s just insane to me, and shows how, if you set up the tension correctly, you don’t need things jumping out at the audience, or loud shock stinger noises…like, let’s really dissect that. I think the Blair Witch is one of the scariest movies of all time, and we don’t ever even see the Blair Witch.

So…what the fuck happened in Blair witch 2016?

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Rustin Parr please put this film into the corner

It’s disappointing that this movie came out as such a love letter to jump scares, cause I lost my mind when this was revealed as another Blair Witch movie. I thought it would be pretty dope to see people try to escape the witch with our modern age technology. I thought the HD cameras, the GoPros, hell, even the drone, would be pretty cool to see navigating the forests of Blair.

The character motivations were fine, too. Heather’s brother wanted to find out what happened to his sister all those years ago, and his friends tag along to make a bitchin’ documentary about the one and only Witch.

I promise, if you set it all up well—the dark, enormous forest, the building feelings of hopelessness as our mcs get more and more lost, and the fact that there is an unseen enemy that is trying to at best scare them to death and at worst kill them—you can limit the jump scares, I swear to you. Do it right, and you won’t even need them. This film didn’t do it right.

Speaking of limited jump scares, Hereditary did it in a pretty fantastic way; there aren’t many in the film, but there’s one that scared me so bad I needed to catch my breath afterwards.

this is the part where I blabber about a different movie entirely 

After Annie loses her daughter, Charlie, she goes to a new friend for comfort. Joan (her new friend) does an impromptu seance where she supposedly summons the spirit of her late grandson, and it goes extremely well; she provides Annie with undeniable evidence of an afterlife, and a way to contact someone that has passed.

In the car back, Annie is understandably shaken up, and so is the audience after that intense scene. As she passes the spot where her daughter was killed, there’s a lull; Annie is clearly on the fence about contacting her deceased daughter in such an extreme way, when, from directly being her, comes a loud click, the sound that Charlie used to make with her mouth. This is such a well executed jump scare in a couple ways; first, it’s truly unexpected.

You don’t realize you’re holding your breath until after it happens.

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There’s no shock stinger sound (which, imo, does most of the scaring; like, you’re goddamn right I’m gonna be scared with that loud ass surround sound); literally just the clicking of a tongue in a silent car.

And you are struck with a final terrifying implication; that Annie isn’t alone, and that something from the seance may have followed her home. The setup, the execution, the aftermath, all perfect.

And I think that’s my main gripe with the new Blair witch.

And we’re back in the woods

It’s the fact that they had such a phenomenal setup, and they still relied so heavily on in-your-face, loud noises to carry the scares. The only reason I felt any kind of tension was because I was waiting for the screams, the sound, the scary thing to pop out.

There’s one ridiculous ass scene where the witch is in full on beast mode; this bitch is lifting tents and yeeting drones, and I’m watching these characters that I have no emotional attachment to at all scream and cry and run away and I’m thinking, “What happened to the subtlety?”.

Banner2The whole thing was just so nonsensical and unlike the OG BWP where literally all she did was call some kids to make noise and build little arts and crafts (well until the end). And it was infinitely more terrifying to see that, rather than lifting camping tents ten feet into the air.

We actually get a look at the mythic bitch ms. Blair Witch in the finale of the 2016 version; a long, spindly form that’s very spooky and scary. And it just doesn’t do it for me. Like, sure, tall, emaciated human-like entities are frightening (thinking of the Leper from It or Tristana Medeiros from REC…actually both played by Javier Botet the LEGEND) but the best part about the Blair Witch—literally the character, not the movie—was that she herself was a mystery.

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The Blair Witch was the forest, and the entity. A couple times before I saw the movie, I searched blair witch revealed or what does the blair witch look like and now that we have a canonized, actual depiction of her, I do not like it one bit sir.

This movie was stupid forgettable because it was too much of everything. It was too revealing. It told the audience too much about the antagonist, and was too loud.

And don’t even get me started on the video game. War flashbacks? Trench warfare?? In the Blair Witch?